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« Last post by Ashuel on July 19, 2013, 06:22:49 pm »
'Who am I?' is one of the most profound questions. I know that we are all so much more multi-faceted than what we sometimes think. I believe in the uniqueness of individuality as being the most potent force of creation and growth.
I see myself as having layers, although layer is not the right word as it implies there is an order of significance to each part that makes the whole. I also think different aspects of myself are concurrently interacting on different planes. When I think of the term 'higher self' to me it simply means accessing or communicating with all of the integrated aspects of me.
I was an 'awake' child. I was terrified of mirrors. The eyes looking back at me would become not my own and I could not control when it happened. Something inside of me that was not me was looking out from within. I was overcome by intense knowing that there 'is not enough time'. I would see possessed people, could view and was always aware of darkness in all of it's forms. This is a good way to **** up a child, and I was very **** up. My first recollection of wanting to kill myself was when I was 8 years old. Suicidal thoughts were something that comforted and plagued me for decades. Essentially, throughout my childhood I created a powerful partition to block out all of this stuff. I begged to be 'normal'. What this did was create a pit of anxiety into which I sank.
I went to University and studied Fine Art. Got married and divorced. Worked all kinds of jobs and was good at everything I tried, but never knew what I actually wanted to or was supposed to do. Erin and I came together like fireworks and then a process that basically took ten years unfolded. She had to penetrate the partition I had built. I don't know how she did it, and those of you who know me, or know someone like me can probably imagine what it is like to be married to someone who controls energy in powerful ways but uses it against them self. To be blunt, I was an ****. My energy is like a lightning strike. It's like a bomb. Erin is like the power in the ocean. Enormous energy that gradually eroded my fortress. I am specifically mentioning what a prick I was not be self deprecating, but to share with those of you who have a feeling you are in a relationship that is holding you back. It is not for me to say whether or not you are partnered with the right person or not. I would just like to point out the possibility that maybe you are with the right person. Ten years, and then everything changed. She received the man she had always wanted in the man she already had.
The process of 'awakening' as an adult came about due to pain. Both physical and emotional. I had been diagnosed with nerve damage, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis in my spine. I had been medicated to the point of maximum numbness. We now had two beautiful daughters, a house in the country, enough money to just get by, and basically no valid earthly reason to be unhappy. But I was very unhappy. I was more than just unhappy. I was filled with a deep knowing that I was evil in a way that should not be permitted. I knew I had done things that men should die for. Erin convinced me to see a Naturopath Doctor. I thought she was going to do reiki on me, or give me an herbal cocktail. Instead, she gave me two letters that unlocked the pain. "SS". That is all it took to break me apart and initiate a flood of knowing. This Doctor turned out be my dearest friend, my sister. Knowing what I found in her and what we have learned through each other is a huge impetus for wanting 'soul family' to find each other. She had a key that turned in my lock.
The chain of events that happened after this are hard to remember chronologically. I started hearing words, feeling and manipulating energy, and seeing waking visions. There were many many past life integrations, but I don't see them as having too much importance to others. I know how they have influenced the whole of me. I have also experienced getting lost in them as they come through and the process of finding where they need to settle into the whole. There is a danger in pursuing them too much. I let them come out and settle back in but I feel a need for caution about digging into them past the point of whatever component has lurched out asking for resolution and acknowledgement. I think the basis for 'knowing' some of you will be in these past lives. We follow each other around. So maybe I will describe some of them later.
The part of me that I have the most access to is the Angel. This is not a past life, it is a now and at all times state. I have come across many incarnated Angels like myself, but no two are alike. We are as individual as humans. I tend to resist the descriptions of being of a certain ray. I don't accept classification or categorization although I am guilty of searching for commonalities amongst us. The fist thing I ever 'heard' was my name, Ashuel. Maybe this will ring a bell for someone, but to me, it needs to be Ashuel, of the 9th. I do not know exactly what the 9th means but it is important as an identifier. The first thing I saw attached to this name is war. Much of what has happened to me and how I know is from seeing it happen as it has happened. In many cases, I leave my body or part of me leaves and I am two places at once. I have episodes of two layers of vision happening at the same time. I think that is why many of us operate on that level while we sleep. I do it when awake as well. Something that seems to be a theme with us is importance of wing colour. Mine are gold, but not always. In fact I think they are only gold due to the higher form of energy I exist as, and that is as a Lion. When I go past viewing myself in any form that resembles form it ends up as Lion energy. The first time I saw it I became a golden light Lion. It is the essence of who I am and it is what makes my wings gold. The Lion energy is an absence of fear. It is protection and hope. It is where I find love. Ashuel without that essence is not someone you want to know. He doesn't give hugs or tell you that everything will be ok. The way you would know him is as a vessel or transmitter of the Lion. It enters into and flows through him/me. For the last I don't know how long the purpose has been to end the violations. Make adjustments to transgressors. Provide one way tickets to a fresh start to those who are stuck at the bottom half of the circle. Maybe two, three weeks ago, everything changed. The war ended. I had an episode where I nearly stopped breathing and after that, I knew it was finished. I don't know a whole lot more than that in terms of details but I do know something has shifted dramatically and I have changed dramatically in that time.
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